I Tried a Green Juice & Met God: The Green Grim Reaper Detox Chronicles
A juice that didn't just cleanse my gut, it cleansed my soul.
I used to think green juice was the answer to everything. Bloating? Juice. Bad skin? Juice. Emotional instability? Juice, but make it cold-pressed. What I didn’t realize was that drinking the wrong juice at the wrong time could quite literally ruin your day, your digestive tract, and your dignity. This isn’t just a story about juicing….It’s a cautionary tale; A survival guide and a wake-up call.
Juicing has genuinely changed my life. I do it almost daily, and it’s one of the most powerful tools for resetting my body, and aging backwards..But here’s the thing: Timing, and ingredients matter. Especially if, like me, you once drank it on an empty stomach at 10 a.m. while emotionally unstable. Let’s just say I saw The Digestive Gods and they told me to not give up; good skin and a healthy gut is coming to restore me. Would I drink it again? Of course I would. Because I?m a delusional, healing-obsessed gremlin who think spiritual enlightenment is one green juice away. But next time, I bring carbs, caution, and emotional support water.
If you ever find yourself doubled over, shaking, sweating, and texting your friend, “Is this what dying tastes like?” after a green juice… just know there is hope. There is a protocol. And yes, I have it memorized.
I was the brave test subject and I feel it’s my duty now to pass down the sacred scrolls of The Juice That Shall Not Be Chugged on an Empty Stomach.
The “Green Grim Reaper” Juice Emergency Kit:
• A banana (she is your first responder)
• Electrolytes or coconut water ( Your body is like spongebob at Sandy’s right now without a water helmet)
• Bone broth (if you’re not vegan..if you are, this is your time to lie)
• Glutamine (for gut lining support & it’s for reverse aging..shhh)
• Salt, carbs, and a stable friend (they won’t judge you for crying in activewear)
The Ingredient List from H*ll
- Celery (emotional cleanser)
- Turmeric (anti-inflammatory but personally aggressive)
- Ginger (burns like betrayal..I put extra because I have daddy issues)
- Lemon (scorched earth in citrus form)
- Green apple (to gaslight me into thinking this would taste good)
- Cucumber (hydration? more like deceit)
- Spinach (Iron-rich, balancing, and apparently a silent assassin)
What to do before drinking something this powerful:
• Eat something small..literally anything solid
• Hydrate, and not with iced coffee
• Ask yourself, “Am I mentally stable enough to purge my toxins and my emotions right now?”
• Light a candle. Say a prayer. Text your ex goodbye.
• Then… and only then… proceed.